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September 27, 2022
A few days ago I conducted a 48 hour distilled water fast. In the midst of the fast, between hours 24-48 I made a painting that I understand to be a farewell to painting. I had received an inspiration to just paint washes of grey on a large canvas I made previously intending to make a sunflower painting. The canvas was originally intended to be used vertically but in light of the new inspiration & the call to let go of painting the canvas was turned horizontally & painted in washes of grey. I did not know what to expect & it was difficult to cast out the voices of doubt & simply paint washes of grey – the inner battle found resolution only by committing to act without needing to understand. The painting in the end revealed to me how to paint it; I witnessed what was happening with the materials & I understood finally, during the final layer of paint; the darkest wash (the washes had become increasingly dark throughout the process. I was using acrylic paint diluted with warm distilled water). Around 1am, maybe 1:30 I lay awake in bed, unable to sleep. The electricity within my body finally got me out of bed, against my own programming & into the living room to paint a final layer on the painting. I had rearranged the couches in the living room to give myself a free wall to paint on. When I turned the light on in the living room my eyes had not adjusted so everything became light. I went about preparing the paint quickly as I had done many times earlier in the day. I painted the final wash with an understanding beyond words & then sat down in the couch & my heart beat with such signal within my chest that I knew the painting was done.
I returned to bed & spent the night mostly sleepless & uncomfortable due to symptoms of detoxification. When I got up in the morning I felt like absolute hell & thought I might throw up. I broke the fast with a glass of coconut water hoping the potassium & sugar would be enough to start moving the excess of bile in my stomach but it was too late & a few moments later I ran to the bathroom to throw up both the coconut water & the green bile that had accumulated in my stomach. It felt rather scary to feel so sick after having fasted for 48 hours but I ate some grapes and then went to bed & slept for a few hours and when I woke up I felt renewed – still weak and uncomfortable, but as if some type of purge had happened. For the rest of the day I ate but my legs were in pain all down the shins which I attribute to symptoms of detoxification – the toxins being flushes into the legs, wrung from other areas of the body & put into circulation in order to be eliminated.
I titled the painting Concluding in Belief. It was painted as a farewell to painting. It feels as if I am being asked to let go of the practice of making canvas paintings. It’s a deep feeling composed of subtle associations but it has been recurring & moving within me. It would be easy to ignore the feeling & go on making work, conceiving of bodies of work & continuing with the relentless torment – I’ve been committed to this practice for 11 years & to let go involves fear – I have had to go deep & find the place of trusting in God; to believe that in letting go I will be guided toward what he wills for me. The title Concluding in Belief has to do with the painting being a temporary ending or conclusion and I am departing from the practice in Belief. I am intending to go within now & to learn to truly listen – to cultivate a connection to the Holy Spirit & discern what is next asked of me. I trust I will be shown the way, by grace. The aesthetic life is a preamble to faith.
I involve my time as an artist into this next leap of faith (I will always be an artist insofar as I am a son of the Creator). The artists practice & the space of the studio is a short step away from one devoted to God as a monk is in a cloister. I long now to offer my whole self to God & pray for His guidance. In letting go of the practice of painting I become an instrument in His hand. I am learning to adorn myself in His armour so that I might be a knight in His Holy ranks. Praise be to thee O Lord.
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